Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
