Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
