I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
