i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
