I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
