Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
