I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
