is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
