Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
