i jhust puked up my retainher.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
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the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
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Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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