It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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