i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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