i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
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Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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