I'm sorry my penis didn't work
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
