i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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