Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
