Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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