Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
