"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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