i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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