So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
