I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
