I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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