thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
