good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
