Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
