Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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