party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
