Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
