I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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