there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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