My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
