Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
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I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
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Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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