Dual....:-)
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Randomize
