Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
