mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
