We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
