i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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