I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
