I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
