I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
