I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
