I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
