pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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