Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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