I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
