I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
