Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
