listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
