I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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