He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
