Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
