I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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