There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
