I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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