I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
